26 may 2015
Sixty-six years ago, I was my mother’s 22nd birthday gift . She said I came out kicking and screaming (or so she was told – she was out cold at the moment I took my first gulp of air) at 5:19 in the evening. That she spent her birthday laboring in a hospital bed is surely a testament to the power of love – or at least, motherhood.
For 65 exquisite years, my mother and I shared the same birthday. As her oldest child and her namesake, I couldn’t help but feel special each and every year. Photos in the family album show us sitting side by side on my first birthday – her 23rd – with two separate birthday cakes. She has 23 candles to blow out ; I have just one. Through the years, our clothing changed, my size changed, the color and style of her hair morphed with the times, and the number of candles on our cakes increased, but always, the two cakes and two sets of wishes to be made. Me and my mom. My mom and me. One special day.
When I was ten, I realized that this unique relationship would someday come to an end; that I would outlive my mother, and at some point, I would have to fly solo on my birthday. While my child-mind grasped the concept, my heart never embraced the inevitability, until mom passed away in October last year. Suddenly, what I had silently dreaded, what I had never given name to or spoken about with my mother, became a reality.
So this is the one. That never-desired year. The empty day.
When I woke, it was as if one half of me was missing. Like an arm or a leg, but more clearly, some chunk of my heart.
I did not begin the day as in years past, by dialing her number and singing “Happy Birthday” into the phone. We did not join our voices together when we got to the final verses, “Happy Birthday Dear Mom/Cathie, Happy Birthday to US!”
I know she wouldn’t want me to be sad. I know that, like I know the touch of her hand to my cheek, the turned up corners of her twinkling blue eyes, the way she said repeatedly, “Everything’s going to work out just fine.”
She was here, last year. Here with me, and my sister, Claudia, in my Baja home. She’d asked what I wanted for my birthday and I’d bravely replied, even knowing she’d pretty much sworn off air travel, that I wanted them to be here, in Loreto, to celebrate. She nearly jumped out of her chair and said, “Great! I better get my passport renewed.” We brought the dog, stacks of luggage, and ate, walked, did jigsaw puzzles, cocktailed with friends and pretty much had the time of our lives. Our last birthday together, the most perfect one ever.
When I woke this morning, it was quiet inside my head. I let my thoughts drift to the miracle of having a mother, of being born and nurtured, scolded and applauded, challenged and soothed … of never doubting her love. I let myself feel with her, roll with her, laugh with her, whisper with her, and realized, that I am not really alone. She’s always going to be here with me, here inside, until I take my last breath. She’s only as far away as my heart.
Wonderful to read, Catharine, precious memories to keep you warm for the rest of your life. I know your birthday will be beautiful and special like all your previous ones because that is what she wants for you !
Our email contacts bring extra joy in my life!
Thanks Nicole. As always, your perceptive sweetness apparent in your kind words. Ponder with amazement at what forces bring us together – You and John and Jack – some of the best I have had the luck to work with. Very very special folks that I am honored to all my friends ….